Recently I've been looking into places for rent. Its been about a year since I moved out of my parents house and my lease on my current apartment will be up soon. Due to the rather abrupt nature of my initial move from my parents place, I was left with only a few choices of where to go. I wanted something close to where I worked because until this point I had been commuting about half an hour on the interstate each way and it was killing my gas tank, but unfortunately realty in this city is pretty pricey. Time ran out and I wound up taking a place that was nice, but expensive. Iv been making plans to move to a place with lower rent so I can save more of my hard earned money and Iv been talking about it for quite some time.
A while ago my best friend told me that he was about ready to move out of his parents house and asked me to consider him when searching for roommates. I thought this was a great Idea, especially because I don't get along with my current roommates and I was dreading having to choose another complete stranger to room with whom I may or may not get along with in the long run. I was feeling pretty good about this arrangement and continued making plans, searching for apartments and looking froward to a refreshing change of pace. A couple of days ago, my friend called me to tell me he had found the perfect place; good location, good condition, fair price. He tells me that it's a sweet deal and he wants to move on it as soon as we can.
Later that night I was thinking about moving and all the things Ill have to do before I'm ready to go. I had been wondering lately about what It will be like to live with my best friend, whom Iv known my whole life. I was then struck by a sudden realization, He doesn't know I wear diapers! How could I have overlooked such an important detail? All at once my mind turned from a daydream about how hard we were going to party this summer to a nightmare of the catastrophic events that would follow if he were to somehow find out that I've been wearing diapers. My world as I know it would end! My friend Is a trustworthy guy, but he wouldn't understand and eventually something would slip out to someone. I don't think hes ever kept a secret from his girlfriend, and I don't his girlfriend has ever kept a secret from anyone. The rumor would then work its way around the friend circuit, through the mom network and...BOOM!!!
Mushroom cloud.
In the fallout I would be left alone. Alienated, disowned, or worse forced to seek "help". I will die happy if I never speak to another psychiatrist. I hate them more than anything.
I always seem to overlook some seemingly mundane detail that invariably screws everything up in the end. This time I've outdone myself by managing to overlook the one "mundane" detail that has the potential to wreak every interpersonal relationship I've ever had. All it would take is him barging into my room unannounced once and catching me off guard, or going in my room when I'm not around and looking in the wrong drawer. Its not even a factor of how careful I can be, this is a matter of time. The odds of me making it through a year wearing diapers right in front of him without him even becoming suspicious... well they aren't good.
Its too late to call off the deal, I need a new place now and I promised my friend I would room with him. There is far too much at stake to risk moving in and continuing to where regularly. I must have mulled the scenarios over in my head at least a hundred times but I can come to only one logical conclusion, I have to quit wearing diapers. Quitting is a little more than inconvenient for me, it will be difficult and extremely frustrating. I'm honestly not even sure I can do it, but I suppose Ill have to try. The hardest part is going to be resisting the temptation to just wear anyways and risk it. Temptation on this front has always been a weak spot for me. I seriously considered breaking into the nurses station at my high school a number of times after I found out they kept Good Nights pullups in there. I never did it of course, but the fact that I thought about it was enough to scare me with what Id been reduced to. My point is that I'm perfectly likely to simply breakdown and begin wearing anyway and just run the risk of destroying my life. I can be stupid like that. Of course quitting diapers means destroying this blog, and my account at diaperspace to remove them as sources of temptation.
I realize that I'm probably worried about nothing. After all I've lived with two roommates at my current apartment for almost a year, wearing diapers 24/7 and nobody noticed. The difference here is my current roommates are complete strangers to me. Sure I've lived with them for the last year, but we all mind our own business. As long as the rent gets paid we don't even need to speak to each other. As a result of this, I couldn't care less what my roommates think of me, and even if they found out it wouldn't matter to me. Just as long as neither of them know my parents.
The situation with my friend is much more volatile, because it not only has the potential to tear an irreparable rift in our friendship, but also every other relationship I have. Another difference is the matter of familiarity; if one of my current roommates entered my room without my permission when my door was closed, it would be a violation of my privacy and I wouldn't tolerate it. As anyone who has a best friend growing up would know, however, at a certain point personal space and possession kind of go by the wayside. If you spend enough time with one person you will eventually stop caring about stuff like that.
So it seems my options are risk it or Quit. I really don't think I have the courage for either!
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Ok. Here's my opinion, from a person who's been there, done that. Before I came over to Korea, I roomed, for what I expected to be long term, with 2 of my best friends from college. Neither of them knew I wore diapers, and still don't. As much as being diapered is a part of my life, I value their friendship much more. I quit wearing diapers for a period of about six months. I didn't do it because I didn't think that they wouldn't accept it, I just didn't want any strains in my relationship with them to crop up.
ReplyDeleteI would say, especially if this is a long term living arrangement, talk to your friend about it. I intended to talk to mine. Ask him to keep it in confidence, even from his gf.
The main problem I forsee is that if you've been wearing 24/7 for almost a year, you may not have a choice in the matter. You may need to wear SOMETHING to help guard against leaks and such. Trust me, going from diapers back to a toilet full-time is not the easiest thing in the world to do (again, been there, done that).
Good Luck!
I would talk to him about it, but I cant predict his reaction. I run the same risk of him freaking out about it as i would if he found on his own. Like I said, its too late for me to call off the deal because my lease is about up. He, however could stay with his parents for a while longer so if he called the deal off Id be screwed. The only other thing is the actual scope of our friendship. For all intents and purposes this may as well be my brother were talking about. Iv known him since forever. our mothers were friends before we were born. He is probably one of maybe 5 people in the universe whose opinion actually matters. While I don't think he'd deliberately hurt my feelings, who knows how he'd react. I mean I would be telling a guy that thinks he knows everything about me that I'm someone completely different behind closed doors. He may see that as a huge betrayal of his trust. He can be a little cold too, Iv seen him ex-communicate allot of his friends in the past. I couldn't take it if he did it to me, his friendship is the only thing that kept me from giving in to depression years ago, but Ill probably blog about that one of these days.
ReplyDeleteWell, if you can't tell him you can't tell him. It's probably for the best since you are obviously nervous about it, and a nervous, unsure attempt to offer him any kind of explanation is not going to cut it. You said in your first post that you were somewhat new to the scene, so I feel like I should mention something you might not be aware of.
ReplyDeleteThere is something that sorta comes with the territory when you're a DL: it's called the binge & purge cycle. What it amounts to is people not being able to find a balance between their real life and their diapered life. People will begin to:
A.) Feel that what they are doing is sick and wrong.
B.) Worry that their diaper habit is growing out of control.
What they do in this situation is purge ... as you were say you planned to, by cutting themselves off from diaper sites on the internet, throwing away their stash, and swearing to themselves that they will not think about diapers.
However, after a little while the urge builds, and unlike a normal situation where people are able to vent that urge by indulging themselves a little and moving on, the urge stays repressed and keeps building. It builds until it is irrepressible. Then people go nuts and shut themselves up in their room, log back on to all the diapers sites they told themselves they wouldn't visit. They don't have any diapers left, so they have to go out and spend more money on them, then lock themselves up again and binge, binge, binge. Where the original diaper habits they sought to purge were not a disruption to their lives, binging is. Some people, given the opportunity, will binge for days.
That's when they get that same old feeling of wrongness or out-of-controlness and freak out and purge again.
This situation is definitely what you are setting yourself up for. You would be purging because you feel like indulging your diapered side as you normally do would get you caught and disrupt your life. Let me tell you: nothing would be more likely to get you caught than a binge, and I mean nothing.
You have two options here:
1.) Adjust your diaper habits to co-exist with your roommate in a way that is discreet and sensible. If you will no longer have the privacy that you once had, buy a piece of luggage that locks and toss it in your closet. You can keep your diapers in there. He would have to be very nosey to even discover that it was locked, and moreover it is a piece of luggage ... unless you are traveling, it is not likely that there would be much of anything in it. Many people in the BDSM community do this with their gear. It is a good way to avoid embarrassing both yourself and the person finding it.
When you are wearing your diapers, have a care and don't leave the pack out. Wear a pair of pants so that even if he came in you'd be fine. Keep your internet history clear. These kinds of measures should be more than enough for any normal living situation.
2.) The second option is to tell him. One of the feelings that causes the binge & purge purge cycle is guilt, and you may find yourself falling prey to it, especially if you are treating this like a shameful secret. It really isn't, and you'd be surprised how much of a non-issue coming out to someone usually is. I have read in upwards of ... probably about fifty accounts of people coming out to someone important to them, usually a significant other. I have only read one account where the person freaked out like you are imagining your friend will, and it was a girl who sounded like someone who was going to be a problem in a relationship anyway.
If you really feel like you are going into a living situation where your privacy will be so compromised that even the reasonable measures I described above will not help, I would suggest that you just let him know. Having him catch you during a change would be a poor way of breaking it to him. He's your friend - he's not going to set out to ruin your life. Here's a more probable result ...
YOU: Hey man, since we are going to live together, I should probably tell you- I wear diapers sometimes.
HIM: Um ... What? Excuse me?
YOU: Yeah, it seems weird to me too sometimes, but I just do it. I'm not sure why, but it helps me relax.
HIM: Wow, that is pretty weird.
YOU: Yeah. Which is why I wanted to keep it just between us. I mean, we're living together so I wanted to avoid keeping embarrassing secrets, but I'm sure you understand when I ask you not to tell all of our friends and my mom.
HIM: Um ... sure, I guess. Whatever. That's still pretty weird.
So basically I'll leave you to sort it out ... but I will say, being upfront and real with him is going to feel a hell of a lot better than keeping dirty little secrets from your best friend when you should be having the time of your life. Just don't lie to him or make up some story about being incontinent. That would be weird and he would find out anyway.
All the best,
CDB
Thank you guys for all of your advice. I feel allot better just knowing some people actually understand this stuff. Id like to apologize to KilrathiDLKR if I came off as a little pessimistic in response to your comment. Your advise was very helpful and I didn't mean to seem unappreciative. thanks to CDB for breaking it down for me too, I had actually considered feigning incontinence but I definitely wont try that now :) I agree that trying to quit would probably be a bad idea for me, and I know I'm not careless enough to make it obvious. luckily I usually wear goodnights, which are pretty discreet and not very noisy. I had hoped to try bambinos soon, but should probably put that on hold.
ReplyDeleteGood ideas. Like I said before, try to keep things fairly discreet. I will tell you that you are more likely to alienate your friend by lying to him than by telling him the truth. Most of my friends know that I wear diapers occaisionally, and not one of them has rejected me over it. We don't talk about it, and I try to avoid wearing around them as it might make them feel uncomfortable. If you're only wearing goodnites, I would think it might not be a bad idea to continue wearing those. They're fairly quiet and discreet. Just make sure that you get rid of any used ones ASAP out of respect for your roomie.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about being pessimistic...been there, done that, lived with it myself. Just be sure to that in trying to avoid hurting your relationship one way, you don't unintentionally kill it in another.
Yeah, I'll have to find some balance between being relaxed enough that I'm not freaking out and worried about it all the time, with out becoming complacent and making some stupid mistake. fact is Ill probably come out to him eventually, but not now. He would be the first to know officially. I say officially because I've had suspicions in the past that my parents knew to some degree, they have found evidence in the past but to my surprise never asked many questions. It will be a while until I'm ready for that step though. Id like to really understand this myself before I try to explain it to anyone else. thanks to everyone here on blogger I've learned allot already: I'm not some perverted freak, I'm not evil, I'm not crazy, I'm not some sort of confused backwards pedophile (that one was a big load off my mind) and through careful regulation I'm not likely to wind up like one of those hairy old creeps that like to put up pics of themselves in diapers and ask everyone they meet to change them. there are more revelations to come I hope. I always knew I wanted to wear diapers, but I never realized how many questions I had.
ReplyDeleteYo, I am soooo glad theother two got to you in a timely manner. I apologize for not posting sooner!
ReplyDeleteLooks like most things are off the hot burner.
I am 25 years old and am of Natural Origin (i think you read my blog on that) - let me tell you- we've all pretty much been where you are at. 2 things I want to speak into your life from this post.
1) Your best friend. There are friends that stick close than a brother- and further yet, there may be friends whom you love. And that love far outweighs your love for a woman. No, not gay dudes. I am talkin serious relationship that will withstand anything until death.
If you say that this friend is closer than a brother... You must know that he has struggles too. His may be very different- odds are they are ;) If you truly feel deep down in your spirit (think 'heart') that you should tell him about your struggle. Then do it. You will have a better relationship because of it.
Do what good friends do...
"K Bob, there's something I want to tell you, but you must promise to me you will never EVER tell another soul as long as you live."
Your friend will know - Ok this is a secret!
If he says "Ok, what is it?" Then have at it. Do not throw up everything at once. Start with the "I sometimes wear diapers" and let the conversation between you two go how it normally goes.
If your friend loves you like a brother too- and if he hasnt betrayed you, then you are in good hands.
2) The other thing is your struggle. Specifically with thinking you are a Pedo-
Truth is you can be one in this fetish. I thought I was one back in my teens and wanted to brainwash myself 'clean.' Here is how this mainly works based on my experience.
When you become aware of this desire to want to wear diapers, guess where you have to look in normal society to see what equates to diaper wearers... yup, kids. Most of us don'tthink about the old folks or inconts because its not mainstream.
When I was in Jr, High and highly facinated. I like looking at ppl wearing diapers but I did not understand why. The ABDL fact is that you want to BE LIKE THEM. Not BE WITH THEM, or LIKE THEM SEXUALLY. You're drawn to the diapers, and the diaper wearing actions of the child.
As a fetish hits, it turns you on. and now u think omgosh i am a perv bassturd and a sick Flip. I am aroused when I look and think about this stuff. Most teenagers hromones are flarin and they masturcate to all this stimuli. It is probably the number one cause of the ugly binge purge cycle in teens and early ABDLs.
While there are more factors I would like to go into here, the fact is I don;t know what your worldview is and so it is irrelevant to continue - but now that I am looking back post crazy horome stages and have researched this out- it was all about one thing... diapers.
Now? I won't even "look" at those images you can google with kids in diapers. Its not what ABDL is about. Its about me and my like for diapers that has become my own. Not a longing dream or hope watching some kid "have their glory days" of ignorance and bliss and diapers.
Oh God if we could only help those young men who are just finding this desire out and help them understand... There would be alot of less hurting souls searching.
well you know as far as helping the lost ones, there are teen baby sites. I'm sure there plenty of them that could use some "healthy" advice :) As for me, I'm pretty secure about it no. I knew Id never had any pedo thoughts, but I was afraid that the DL side would turn into something even less savory. trust me, I avoid pics of kids at ALL costs. the last thing I need is the FBI snooping around my hard drive! more on this later, im out of time to type right now :)
ReplyDeleteI totally typed that last comment in a hurry, so I spelled everything wrong! Anyway, as I was saying I was concerned at first just because I didn't know what to expect. I mean its easy to see how an unfamiliar mind could make that mistake.
ReplyDelete