I was raised christian and even though I've had my own computer and internet connection since I was 17, I honestly didn't start to look any of this stuff up until just a few weeks ago. I was never interested in pornography so looking up diaper stuff on the internet never really occurred to me, I considered myself above it. I was, and to some degree still am, convinced that this fascination is little more than a test of my faith. A temptation to be ignored and driven out through perseverance. I soon learned, however, it's not quite that simple.
This desire runs deeper than sexual interest, which can be controlled if one possesses a certain level of integrity. This is some sort of emotional craving gone awry, a deeply rooted product of my past and personality that has somehow manifested as a desire to wear diapers. I eventually resolved that if I was to defeat this "temptation" I must first seek to understand it. I realized of course that all I was really doing was gratifying my impulse to explore this unexplained aspect of my sexuality. I told myself that perhaps I would stumble on a solution, or simply be satisfied to understand and finally be able to move on. when I began my "research" I was still reluctant, afraid to be pulled in over my head by an unknown world of lust and perversion. I prepared myself to be disgusted, offended, and otherwise put off from this unimaginable lifestyle.
What I found, however, was a society of human beings. Not mindless apes, or sex crazed freaks, but people. The lifestyle I feared would bring me to some rock bottom shelf of existence had in fact opened my eyes to an entire community of people not only similar to me in their way of life, but also in their humanity. Since beginning my "search for truth" Ive seen the darker sides of many a fetish. Ive seen countless examples of self destructive and counter-productive behavior in the dim lit underworld of sexual fantasy, but none of them were witnessed here, in the community that I now proudly call my own. What began as a quest for denial, quickly became path to acceptance, and for that I am grateful. I am finally able to see that even in the realm of sexuality, we can hold ourselves to a higher standard than those who would give in to mindless self indulgence. I don't doubt it now, this is who I am. I am where I belong.
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Great post!
ReplyDeleteI think this is something that we all go through at some point in our existences. I've been an active DL now for almost ten years, and I can tell it doesn't really get any easier. I had thought I had it all handled, and I did, but it raised its ugly head again this year when I got saved (along with some other issues I've addressed over at DD). The community that I've found there and elsewhere in the community has helped immensely in that regard, plus my own studies, prayer, and meditations.
Now, at the same time, there is a darker side to our lifestyle/fetish whatever you want to call it. People get in way to far, and have difficulties finding their way back out. Just like everything, without moderation, you can lose yourself. Have a touchpoint, where you can always make sure this hasn't taken over your life. Maintain your relationship with God and with others...that will always keep you from straying.
Other than that, I'm glad you found some inner peace with this. Hope you can find some enjoyment here :-).
Ha ha, the "dim lit underworld of sexual fantasy?" Thanks, Lord Byron.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, it's great that you've gotten to a comfortable point where you'd rather be accepted for who you are than run away from any aspect of yourself that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's a more mentally healthy place to be.
ha ha , yeah A little pretentious I guess. Honestly it really wasn't a very hard point to reach. I kinda had to accept it, it's not going to go away, so why let it bother me? Like I said, I owe it all to the people Ive talked to in the community (that's you guys too). If I had talked to the wrong people, this could have gone allot worse.
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