So it turns out I might be a little more AB than I thought. Originally my interests were firmly rooted in diapers, I had seen allot of AB stuff while looking around but wasn't particularly interested in any of it. The only thing that really caught my attention was the LGs. Of course I figured this was mostly the fact that they were women in diapers, I still didn't pay much attention to the other AB aspects. Lately, however, I have been feeling like I want to try something new, so I decided to go out and buy a pacifier.
I wasn't sure if I would like it or not but I didn't really have much to lose, so I picked one up when I went to but groceries. I got the largest one I could find, rated 18+, and hurried home. I opened the package and removed one of the two dummies that came in the pack. I looked at for a second, I felt a little excited, but nothing extraordinary. Finally I stuffed it in my mouth and paused for a moment. Almost immediately I felt my heart fluctuate, followed by a rushing sensation. It was amazing! I was overwhelmed by an inexplicable sense of security, comfort, and well being. As if worries and burdens I didn't even know I was carrying were suddenly lifted. I was so struck by this unexpected result that it wore me out. I felt tired and relaxed, so I decided this would be as good a time as any for a nap. Even though it was still early in the evening, I didn't care. All I wanted to do was curl up in a fresh nappy with my pacifier and drift off.
I changed into a fresh pullup, curled up on my bed, and was out like a light. I slept... like a baby. Strangely enough I dreamed like crazy that night. I almost never dream, I usually don't sleep that deeply. I woke 6 hours later. To my astonishment I was wet. I haven't wet the bed since I was 6, but now suddenly 14 years later I'm waking up drenched. I was shocked, but also strangely satisfied. After all Iv never really dealt with any issues of incontinence, so this is a result I could never replicate deliberately. I laid there for a moment, savoring the experience before getting up to take a shower and wash my sheets. Later I took an old tattered towel I never use, folded it to the proper size and thickness, and placed it with its center directly over where the wet spot had been. Ill go to the market and look for some of those pampers mattress pads soon, the towel should do for now. As for the pacifier, it definitely stays. I was skeptical at first but now I feel like Iv been given something that I had lost years ago. I might even spring for a NUK 5 someday, but that's what I have been saying about Bambinos, and I'm not sure that will ever happen.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The journey: destination
I was raised christian and even though I've had my own computer and internet connection since I was 17, I honestly didn't start to look any of this stuff up until just a few weeks ago. I was never interested in pornography so looking up diaper stuff on the internet never really occurred to me, I considered myself above it. I was, and to some degree still am, convinced that this fascination is little more than a test of my faith. A temptation to be ignored and driven out through perseverance. I soon learned, however, it's not quite that simple.
This desire runs deeper than sexual interest, which can be controlled if one possesses a certain level of integrity. This is some sort of emotional craving gone awry, a deeply rooted product of my past and personality that has somehow manifested as a desire to wear diapers. I eventually resolved that if I was to defeat this "temptation" I must first seek to understand it. I realized of course that all I was really doing was gratifying my impulse to explore this unexplained aspect of my sexuality. I told myself that perhaps I would stumble on a solution, or simply be satisfied to understand and finally be able to move on. when I began my "research" I was still reluctant, afraid to be pulled in over my head by an unknown world of lust and perversion. I prepared myself to be disgusted, offended, and otherwise put off from this unimaginable lifestyle.
What I found, however, was a society of human beings. Not mindless apes, or sex crazed freaks, but people. The lifestyle I feared would bring me to some rock bottom shelf of existence had in fact opened my eyes to an entire community of people not only similar to me in their way of life, but also in their humanity. Since beginning my "search for truth" Ive seen the darker sides of many a fetish. Ive seen countless examples of self destructive and counter-productive behavior in the dim lit underworld of sexual fantasy, but none of them were witnessed here, in the community that I now proudly call my own. What began as a quest for denial, quickly became path to acceptance, and for that I am grateful. I am finally able to see that even in the realm of sexuality, we can hold ourselves to a higher standard than those who would give in to mindless self indulgence. I don't doubt it now, this is who I am. I am where I belong.
This desire runs deeper than sexual interest, which can be controlled if one possesses a certain level of integrity. This is some sort of emotional craving gone awry, a deeply rooted product of my past and personality that has somehow manifested as a desire to wear diapers. I eventually resolved that if I was to defeat this "temptation" I must first seek to understand it. I realized of course that all I was really doing was gratifying my impulse to explore this unexplained aspect of my sexuality. I told myself that perhaps I would stumble on a solution, or simply be satisfied to understand and finally be able to move on. when I began my "research" I was still reluctant, afraid to be pulled in over my head by an unknown world of lust and perversion. I prepared myself to be disgusted, offended, and otherwise put off from this unimaginable lifestyle.
What I found, however, was a society of human beings. Not mindless apes, or sex crazed freaks, but people. The lifestyle I feared would bring me to some rock bottom shelf of existence had in fact opened my eyes to an entire community of people not only similar to me in their way of life, but also in their humanity. Since beginning my "search for truth" Ive seen the darker sides of many a fetish. Ive seen countless examples of self destructive and counter-productive behavior in the dim lit underworld of sexual fantasy, but none of them were witnessed here, in the community that I now proudly call my own. What began as a quest for denial, quickly became path to acceptance, and for that I am grateful. I am finally able to see that even in the realm of sexuality, we can hold ourselves to a higher standard than those who would give in to mindless self indulgence. I don't doubt it now, this is who I am. I am where I belong.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Crossroads: dead end or detour?
Recently I've been looking into places for rent. Its been about a year since I moved out of my parents house and my lease on my current apartment will be up soon. Due to the rather abrupt nature of my initial move from my parents place, I was left with only a few choices of where to go. I wanted something close to where I worked because until this point I had been commuting about half an hour on the interstate each way and it was killing my gas tank, but unfortunately realty in this city is pretty pricey. Time ran out and I wound up taking a place that was nice, but expensive. Iv been making plans to move to a place with lower rent so I can save more of my hard earned money and Iv been talking about it for quite some time.
A while ago my best friend told me that he was about ready to move out of his parents house and asked me to consider him when searching for roommates. I thought this was a great Idea, especially because I don't get along with my current roommates and I was dreading having to choose another complete stranger to room with whom I may or may not get along with in the long run. I was feeling pretty good about this arrangement and continued making plans, searching for apartments and looking froward to a refreshing change of pace. A couple of days ago, my friend called me to tell me he had found the perfect place; good location, good condition, fair price. He tells me that it's a sweet deal and he wants to move on it as soon as we can.
Later that night I was thinking about moving and all the things Ill have to do before I'm ready to go. I had been wondering lately about what It will be like to live with my best friend, whom Iv known my whole life. I was then struck by a sudden realization, He doesn't know I wear diapers! How could I have overlooked such an important detail? All at once my mind turned from a daydream about how hard we were going to party this summer to a nightmare of the catastrophic events that would follow if he were to somehow find out that I've been wearing diapers. My world as I know it would end! My friend Is a trustworthy guy, but he wouldn't understand and eventually something would slip out to someone. I don't think hes ever kept a secret from his girlfriend, and I don't his girlfriend has ever kept a secret from anyone. The rumor would then work its way around the friend circuit, through the mom network and...BOOM!!!
Mushroom cloud.
In the fallout I would be left alone. Alienated, disowned, or worse forced to seek "help". I will die happy if I never speak to another psychiatrist. I hate them more than anything.
I always seem to overlook some seemingly mundane detail that invariably screws everything up in the end. This time I've outdone myself by managing to overlook the one "mundane" detail that has the potential to wreak every interpersonal relationship I've ever had. All it would take is him barging into my room unannounced once and catching me off guard, or going in my room when I'm not around and looking in the wrong drawer. Its not even a factor of how careful I can be, this is a matter of time. The odds of me making it through a year wearing diapers right in front of him without him even becoming suspicious... well they aren't good.
Its too late to call off the deal, I need a new place now and I promised my friend I would room with him. There is far too much at stake to risk moving in and continuing to where regularly. I must have mulled the scenarios over in my head at least a hundred times but I can come to only one logical conclusion, I have to quit wearing diapers. Quitting is a little more than inconvenient for me, it will be difficult and extremely frustrating. I'm honestly not even sure I can do it, but I suppose Ill have to try. The hardest part is going to be resisting the temptation to just wear anyways and risk it. Temptation on this front has always been a weak spot for me. I seriously considered breaking into the nurses station at my high school a number of times after I found out they kept Good Nights pullups in there. I never did it of course, but the fact that I thought about it was enough to scare me with what Id been reduced to. My point is that I'm perfectly likely to simply breakdown and begin wearing anyway and just run the risk of destroying my life. I can be stupid like that. Of course quitting diapers means destroying this blog, and my account at diaperspace to remove them as sources of temptation.
I realize that I'm probably worried about nothing. After all I've lived with two roommates at my current apartment for almost a year, wearing diapers 24/7 and nobody noticed. The difference here is my current roommates are complete strangers to me. Sure I've lived with them for the last year, but we all mind our own business. As long as the rent gets paid we don't even need to speak to each other. As a result of this, I couldn't care less what my roommates think of me, and even if they found out it wouldn't matter to me. Just as long as neither of them know my parents.
The situation with my friend is much more volatile, because it not only has the potential to tear an irreparable rift in our friendship, but also every other relationship I have. Another difference is the matter of familiarity; if one of my current roommates entered my room without my permission when my door was closed, it would be a violation of my privacy and I wouldn't tolerate it. As anyone who has a best friend growing up would know, however, at a certain point personal space and possession kind of go by the wayside. If you spend enough time with one person you will eventually stop caring about stuff like that.
So it seems my options are risk it or Quit. I really don't think I have the courage for either!
A while ago my best friend told me that he was about ready to move out of his parents house and asked me to consider him when searching for roommates. I thought this was a great Idea, especially because I don't get along with my current roommates and I was dreading having to choose another complete stranger to room with whom I may or may not get along with in the long run. I was feeling pretty good about this arrangement and continued making plans, searching for apartments and looking froward to a refreshing change of pace. A couple of days ago, my friend called me to tell me he had found the perfect place; good location, good condition, fair price. He tells me that it's a sweet deal and he wants to move on it as soon as we can.
Later that night I was thinking about moving and all the things Ill have to do before I'm ready to go. I had been wondering lately about what It will be like to live with my best friend, whom Iv known my whole life. I was then struck by a sudden realization, He doesn't know I wear diapers! How could I have overlooked such an important detail? All at once my mind turned from a daydream about how hard we were going to party this summer to a nightmare of the catastrophic events that would follow if he were to somehow find out that I've been wearing diapers. My world as I know it would end! My friend Is a trustworthy guy, but he wouldn't understand and eventually something would slip out to someone. I don't think hes ever kept a secret from his girlfriend, and I don't his girlfriend has ever kept a secret from anyone. The rumor would then work its way around the friend circuit, through the mom network and...BOOM!!!
Mushroom cloud.
In the fallout I would be left alone. Alienated, disowned, or worse forced to seek "help". I will die happy if I never speak to another psychiatrist. I hate them more than anything.
I always seem to overlook some seemingly mundane detail that invariably screws everything up in the end. This time I've outdone myself by managing to overlook the one "mundane" detail that has the potential to wreak every interpersonal relationship I've ever had. All it would take is him barging into my room unannounced once and catching me off guard, or going in my room when I'm not around and looking in the wrong drawer. Its not even a factor of how careful I can be, this is a matter of time. The odds of me making it through a year wearing diapers right in front of him without him even becoming suspicious... well they aren't good.
Its too late to call off the deal, I need a new place now and I promised my friend I would room with him. There is far too much at stake to risk moving in and continuing to where regularly. I must have mulled the scenarios over in my head at least a hundred times but I can come to only one logical conclusion, I have to quit wearing diapers. Quitting is a little more than inconvenient for me, it will be difficult and extremely frustrating. I'm honestly not even sure I can do it, but I suppose Ill have to try. The hardest part is going to be resisting the temptation to just wear anyways and risk it. Temptation on this front has always been a weak spot for me. I seriously considered breaking into the nurses station at my high school a number of times after I found out they kept Good Nights pullups in there. I never did it of course, but the fact that I thought about it was enough to scare me with what Id been reduced to. My point is that I'm perfectly likely to simply breakdown and begin wearing anyway and just run the risk of destroying my life. I can be stupid like that. Of course quitting diapers means destroying this blog, and my account at diaperspace to remove them as sources of temptation.
I realize that I'm probably worried about nothing. After all I've lived with two roommates at my current apartment for almost a year, wearing diapers 24/7 and nobody noticed. The difference here is my current roommates are complete strangers to me. Sure I've lived with them for the last year, but we all mind our own business. As long as the rent gets paid we don't even need to speak to each other. As a result of this, I couldn't care less what my roommates think of me, and even if they found out it wouldn't matter to me. Just as long as neither of them know my parents.
The situation with my friend is much more volatile, because it not only has the potential to tear an irreparable rift in our friendship, but also every other relationship I have. Another difference is the matter of familiarity; if one of my current roommates entered my room without my permission when my door was closed, it would be a violation of my privacy and I wouldn't tolerate it. As anyone who has a best friend growing up would know, however, at a certain point personal space and possession kind of go by the wayside. If you spend enough time with one person you will eventually stop caring about stuff like that.
So it seems my options are risk it or Quit. I really don't think I have the courage for either!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Journey: path to truth
This is my official reach out. Iv known it my whole life but have only recently done some research and come to terms with it as a fact. I am a DL (diaper lover). Unlike some of the other DL posts and blogs I've seen that offer some biographic explanation of who they are how they feel, this the beginning of the story for me. I don't know anything about this stuff; Iv just in recent weeks decided to do some research about it. the fact is, I just want some clarity. For a long time iv been scared about allot of things and I just really want to understand it. thanks to a few well written and sourced Wikipedia articles, I am able to feel a little more comfortable about it. Reaching out to the DL community is a huge step for me and I'm still a little nervous about it. I just know theirs someone out there who can help me understand it all.
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